


all for us

by chefsizzle8



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: ADDING MORE TAGS IN THE FUTURE AS I GO ON!, Alcohol, Anxiety, CHANGED PLOT in upcoming future, Cheating, Depression, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Euphoria AU, He Cheng as Ashtray, He Tian as Fezco, Illnesses, Jian Yi as Jules, M/M, Made up characters as fillers for others, Mo Guanshan as Maddy, Qiu as a random person at the parties + carnevals, She Li as Nate, Slow Burn, Some Sexual Violence, Underage Drug Use, Zhan Zheng Xi as Rue, Zhan Zheng Xi swears a lot, abuse mention, abusive action, break ups, consented sex!!!! please keep this in mind, drug violence, euphoria is not owned by me, following euphoria plot with major changes, hook ups, inspired by Euphoria, just to fit the characters/relationships, some guns, some of the same lines are grabbed from show, while it may not seem like it!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 00:38:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20267167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chefsizzle8/pseuds/chefsizzle8
Summary: I remember the very first time I did it. Honestly, I just wanted a few fucking seconds of nothingness. Silence. Peace.But when it hits, everything just stops. Your ability to think, your ability to breathe, to hear your own heartbeat… I was only left with the solemn, torturously leisure blink of my own gaze that refused to fixate on anything.Everything up till now, you forget. Your worries. Your fears, happiness, sadness. It sinks away, through your veins, dripping down your fingertips and toes. As if it never mattered in the first place. Though, I also remember it never lasted long, my haze torn away as I scrambled for a lung-squeezing breath - giving everything that had previously shut down, life once more.To fend for that nothingness - those moments of silence - it came with a price. I spent my whole summer in rehab before my junior year.





	all for us

**Author's Note:**

> please be cautious moving forward. this show was so freaking amazing imo and but it doesn't belong to me, not the ideas, nothing (except for wanting to change the plot in order for characters + relationships to work out.) not for the feint of heart - but im really trying to cut the very explicit stuff out :) also, just disclaimer:  
some characters in the show belong to a minority, and in this 19 days au ive replaced them with characters that by no means UNDERMINE the beautiful minority. (f.e, jules ((who is jian yi in this fic)), is trans, and maddy ((who is mo guanshan)) is hispanic) please understand. I really suggest you watch this show because the story is really good and frustrating and I just love it. the dynamic of every character, including jules and rue just won me right on over.. ily guys, its 3 am, im dying and there might be TONS of mistakes. the pace of this fic will slow down after this chapter - since the pilot episode kinda moved fast! enjoy!

(disclaimer AGAIN: i do not own euphoria!!!! :) ) 

_ Ohh, I’m taking it all for us _

_ Taking it all, _

_ Taking it all for us _

_ Ohh, doing it all for love _

_ Doing it all _

_ Doing it all for love _

_ (ZHAN ZHENG XI POV) _

** **

I remember the very first time I did it. Honestly, I just wanted a few fucking seconds of nothingness. Silence. Peace. 

** **

But when it hits, everything just stops. Your ability to think, your ability to breathe, to hear your own heartbeat… I was only left with the solemn, torturously leisure blink of my own gaze that refused to fixate on anything. 

** **

Everything up till now, you forget. Your worries. Your fears, happiness, sadness. It sinks away, through your veins, dripping down your fingertips and toes. As if it never mattered in the first place. Though, I _ also _remember it never lasted long, my haze torn away as I scrambled for a lung-squeezing breath - giving everything that had previously shut down, life once more. 

** **

To fend for that nothingness - those moments of silence - it came with a price. I spent my whole summer in rehab before my junior year. 

** **

They all chanted together as if it were a song, but my mouth only gaped around words that meant jack shit to me, “God, I’ve now realized that strength does not come from physical capability, but from indomitable will, the one that you gave me, so that I could cease my sins and live life in peace and serenity.” 

** **

With that, everyone had parted. I sucked in my bottom lip, mashing my top row of teeth down on the pink flesh belonging there. My head, hanging low, allowed my eyes to follow the lining of hardwood beneath my feet. Feet. Shoes. They were scattering everywhere, in every different direction, let off by the ending of that Hell Ridden pledge. They continued to scatter, until a pair stopped in front of me. 

** **

“Congratulations, Zhan Zheng Xi,” I have been finding it hard to focus without pills, have found it hard to adjust, so peering through the blur of my eyelashes to look at my rehabilitation counselor - it took some time. A circular, green badge was wedged between her forefinger and thumb, jutted out towards me in an expectant motion. I took it, a nod hanging heavy on my head with a thin-lipped smile, “Thanks.” The last thing I saw from my counselor was a smile in her eyes, looking proud and achieved. _ For nothing _, should I add. She eventually stepped away, rewarding others, creating conversation with patients and parents - not that I cared. 

** **

I was ready to _ fucking _leave. 

“Zhan Zheng Xi!”

** **

_ Bless God almighty. _

** **

I swung around, an authentic smile instantly taking up the most room on my face. My sister, Zhan Ziqian, twinkling like a goddamn angel, had just gotten out of our tiny blue car, arms swinging out above her head, “Over here!” My mother, Zhan Shu Zan, slowly slid out of the driver’s seat. As I jogged over unceremoniously, I gathered my mothers state: arms crossed, unimpressed, dejected, disappointed, cascading eyes to the side. Fuck, it stung. 

** **

I embraced my sister, “How are you?” I squeezed her and she squeezed back, “So, so, good, big brother, I’ve missed you.” Tug at my heartstrings. “I missed you, too,” I pulled back, taking her in after another quick glance at my mother. 

** **

“Wow, all the time I was gone - have you grown, what, to my shoulder?” 

** **

“What, you were not even gone that long! Like, three months,” She quarreled, embarrassment rising to the tips of her cheekbones. Ziqian turned away and acted out a grand entrance into the car, shouting my name in celebration. 

** **

\--------

** **

“I’m very happy for you, Zhengxi,” were the first words my mom had whispered to me, taking consideration of how my sister was ensuing in deep slumber in the passenger's seat. I looked up from my lap, towards the arm that was outstretched to me, begging for me to take her hand. I took it.

** **

I bore at studying gaze at her - she was joyful, barely able to suppress her own smile. 

** **

“You’re about to start a new chapter.” 

** **

That half-lopsided smile I gave her was real for her, but fake for me. My grip on her hand loosened, so she took it away and turned towards the road again. 

** **

That day, with my cheek pressed against the car door interior, gazing out the window to watch a foreign, porcelain person, gleefully pedalling on his bike. His hair - gorgeous and matching his skin exactly - porcelain. The lunchtime sun had shone on it quite brightly, so much that I felt like I was staring at an angel.

** **

\--------

** **

School was set to start up again next week, another thing to tug at my mind. _ That _ , and having to stay in this _ ridiculously _small town with a bunch of psychos. Just six more months of everyone’s bullshit. 

** **

Speaking of _ small _: everyone knew when someone was “new.” They didn’t look of the majority, which was why. 

** **

“Some new dude just popped up in town - real, fucking I dunno, anime shit going on there,” He Tian lazily spoke on his trailered porch, sitting in a beach chair, “I think you two’d get along real well.” Acknowledgement barely made it passed my facial expressions, but I paused right in front of him with a gesture of my hand: _ cool shit _. 

** **

He Tian: definitely not revolving in the same direction as the Earth, out of it, lazy speech, but smart enough to know what the absolute _ fuck _was going on all the time, and hyper-aware. If that makes sense. Probably not. My drug dealer. He glimpsed up at me through the bangs of his hair, before rolling his shoulders back so that his full expression was on display. I knew the bitch missed me too. Our hands reached each other, clasping in an exclusive bro-shake. 

** **

“When did you get back?” He asked, a designer-shoe-foot tapping near restlessly upon the ground. “Five days, gotta go back to school next week, though,” I shrugged, my body began to rock back and forth with the work of my heels. “That’s good, bro, I mean,” He Tian dug his hands into his pockets, his actions moving slower than his words, “how you been? How you feelin’?” 

** **

“Same shit as always, man, it was just me off of it for three months. And hearing about fuckin’ Christ every waking moment, y’know?” I picked at a scab on my elbow. He tian barely let out a chuckle, “Word.” 

** **

There was a silence between us. As if I knew it were to flood in, and as if He Tian knew - even though he was fuckin’ out of it - he knew. 

** **

“Cheng in there?” I ask, shoving one of my hands in my back-pocket, the other pointing towards the house a few feet away, and seizing my rocking. An obsidian gaze flickered up to me, unimpressed - like my mother would do, cascade to the side - like my mother would do - but roll his eyes, which was new.

** **

“Man, you serious? You just got out of rehab. None of that bullshit here, Zhengxi,” He Tian waved him off, turning his face away from me. Right. My lips pressed together in a thin line, but I didn’t want to push my patience. “Just ‘cause I went to rehab doesn’t mean I have intentions of staying clean, bro,” I invited myself into their territory. I could hear a _ “really, Zhengxi… _” trail off behind me. Whatever. I get what I need, I get out of their hair. 

** **

A double-doored entrance greeted me, the screen door rusted but decorated with pretty swirls of metal. Fuckin’ didn’t suit their style, but none of my business. Just something I’ve noticed all this time. I raise a fist, tight as I can, and bang until the over-sensory clatter of metal to metal boomed in my head, “Yo, Cheng!”

** **

My eyes shoot to the top right corner of their door. A camera. The one they’ve always had, the green light flickering red. An open mic. “I thought your ass was dead, Zhan,” came the rough voice from oblivion. 

** **

That’s the part I left out. Three months ago, before I was submitted to rehab, I went through a hideous overdose. But we’ll get into that later. 

** **

“Fuck, probably everyone thought I was,” I paused, “open the door, bruh.” A click. I glorified in my win, shoving myself inside their muffled house. The twists, turns, corners - I knew everything in their house, even the familiar cushion of their sofa. I walked down the dimly lit hallways that were plastered in a faded yellow wallpaper - nice and old, like I usually enjoyed. I stopped in front of a door - the third to last in the hallway - the room inside illuminating from a maroon LED light. It was a reasonably sized room - one wall was opened up to another room, as a makeshift swift delivery. Right underneath it, lay a horizontal rectangular shaped alcohol cabinet. Except, I knew, there was no alcohol to be found. Located in the very opposite of the room was a microwave which He Cheng was currently opening the door too, and pulling out a thick packet. He glanced at the door, to the packet, then back at me.. No exchanges of hello. Nothin’. 

** **

“The fuck you want, man?” He Cheng collapsed in his rolling chair, the sweats his sported sagging and tightening around his thighs once he sat down. “The usual,” I crossed my arms and leant against the frame of the door. His movement became sluggish as he reached over to the alcohol refrigerator, scooping up one of the three packets and tossing it over to me. I caught it swiftly, a nod weighing me down like always. “Don’t want to try nothin’ new??” He Cheng bent down from his seat, fingers hooking into a cabinet handle and pulling it open: packages. “Liiiike?” I encouraged, though seemingly disinterested. I stepped closer into the room, where a table separated us. The crinkle of plastic rattled through the room as He Cheng dug through the cabinet. Then, a humming noise was pulled out of his throat, seemingly in thought. After a few moments of him not exchanging a reply, I peered a little closer to see him fishing out three tiny zip-loc bags. Three packets, clinging together with the help of rubber bands, yet as individuals. He wheeled himself past the corner of the table, closer to me. Laid them on the table that was covered in cigarette smelling newspaper. 

** **

As he counted them down, a firm finger pressed in front of each,“2C-T-2, 2C-T-7, and some other shit. Forgot, like, uh, 5-MeO-DIPT,” He Cheng then picked it up and held it closer for me to see. How adorable. I think the best things about drugs are - you _ know _they’re plausible drugs if they got those cutesy designs on them. Y’know. Those are the real fucked up ones. You don’t know what goes up there. “2C-T-what-now?” I scoffed, “No idea what the fuck you just said.” 

** **

“Who gives a fuck, shit’s lit,” The bag fell from both hands to only one, the corner hanging from Cheng’s pinched fingers, “real fast acting psychedelic stuff, man.” I took it without another word, “Tian’s got me covered with price, bruh.” I shoved it in my pocket. “Fuck no, man, Tian doesn’t spot anyone,” but I was already starting out the house. 

** **

“Zhan!?” 

** **

“See ya, loser!”

\--------

** **

_ My eyes succumbed to a new blurry vision, untrained, unfocused - everything was purple, blue, magenta... A person across from him. Pale. Platinum hair. Real goofy looking shit. But gorgeous, nevertheless. But my vision swayed - I didn’t know who was asking me - “What’s wrong?” That voice. Clinging to the heat of my ears, as I tried to desperate to grab control over my eyes. The drug had taken that, though. My cheek felt wet. Very, extremely wet. _

** **

_ Unknowingly, my hands pressed around me. Bunches of soft fabrics were folded under me, restrained light filtered through the colored walls until I concluded - I was in a safe place. With a safe person. I reached across to touch their skin, but they felt so far. He felt so far. _

** **

_ My lips parted and stretched. A smile. _

** **

_ “I’m so happy.” _

** **

\--------

** **

Of course. She was waiting at the table.

** **

“Where were you?” My mother hammered as I dropped my house keys on the dining room table, not too far from her. The house drifted with the delicious scent of… probably some pasta. “Just, greeted some friends of mine,” I swallowed hard but met her hard look. God, am I a fucking idiot? I don’t _ have _ friends. Zinc. Zilch. Nada. Nadie. Before she could press further, I was already making my way towards my room. Had to get ready for a fuckin’ lame ass party anyways - _ everyone _ goes. Even He Tian. But with her interrogation on my ass 24/7, who knows if I’d even make it. If I _ didn’t _go - I’d be - presumed - dead meat. 

** **

“Which friends? Don’t walk away from me, young mister.” 

** **

“Just some friends. They hit me up when they saw I was in town.” 

** **

“Yeah, uh-huh, I don’t trust you, Zhan Zheng Xi. I know you, boy.”

** **

“I told you I went to go see some fucking friends, jesus _ christ _.”

** **

“I’ll drug test you, don’t speak to me like that! You ain’t leavin’ this house till you take another drug test.”

** **

“_ Mom _.”

** **

\--------

** **

Had I taken the shit that He Cheng gave me right away, I would’ve been severely, royally, fucked. My mom followed me into the bathroom, drug test in hand, as well as the cup I had to literally _ piss _in. To her, all privacy I had earned in my teenage years had been lost after my overdose. So I pissed.

** **

\--------

** **

Negative. 

** **

\--------

“Mom, I’m gonna go spend the night at Chun’s house, yeah?” I hustled over to the dining room table where my mother was typing away, in which the typing slowly came to a halt. Her icy gaze now on me. A moment of doubt. A solemn smile. “Yeah. I love you.” I held her gaze. Nodded. Scooped up my keys from behind her computer. She tugged me over, an arm clinging around my waist. “I love you, I’m so proud of you.”

** **

“Thanks, mom, love you too.”

** **

With that, I left.

** **

I hopped on my old bike with a basket at the front - innocent enough, and pushing off towards my destination. Which, quite frankly, wasn’t Chun’s house. But a party being thrown by She Li, at some college kids house, I don’t even know. A party is a party. And the best thing about nights like these is that I’m able to _ feel _ everything. No, not the things I don’t _ want _ to feel, but the things that made me happy.. at some point, in my life. I suppose the nostalgia was nice enough. For example, on this empty road, in this shitty, small, vacant town, the pelting chilly breeze had to be on my top ten _ best _ feelings in the world. We’ll work down that list later. 

** **

I stood on my pedals as I raced down the hill, the air drying my eyes as I opened them wider and wider. I began to maintain my balance quicker on the bike, I lead myself down a backroad that was rarely populated.

** **

Balanced myself more. Clenched and unclenched the handles. Waited until the path I was on was straight. I threw both of my hands off the handles, into the air, and howled into the night. My breath was prominent on this September day. 

** **

\--------

** **

_ Now, a bunch of shit goes on behind the scenes - goes on past the idea of me. I’m not the only one who has to deal with shit in this town. Everyone has their own story to tell and I’m the storyteller. _

** **

\--------

** **

Maneuvering knowingly around the streets - it wasn’t hard to find the location of the party in which She Li had thrown. Well, the bass boosted music from two blocks down had also given it away.

** **

I stopped my transportation with a stuttering foot, reeling in near the sidewalk. I swung my other leg over the bike and walked it to the front, where the music slowly grew louder and the voices of the population became more distinctive. 

** **

_ Lost my mind again _

_ Ticking time bombs never wait _

_ Free and yet explosive _

** **

I made my way around the front of the porch to stomp up the stairs that were scattered in an array of colors from the lights inside. My gaze barely wavered from my feet - my vans were the first things that were covered in the flavors of flashing lights. Then, they melted into my ankle cut-offs, to my pockets, before engulfing my whole being. The cluster of bodies had bumped into me and my path multiple times - and it wasn’t until I got near the living room that the scent of alcohol, sweat, and vomit filled my nostrils.

** **

_ I might fucking blow up in your face _

_ I like watching my walls cave _

_ Claustrophobic and insane _

** **

It was time for me to get into my dirty business. 

** **

\--------

** **

(JIAN YI THIRD PERSON LIMITED)

** **

One thing that always satisfied Jian Yi about this new town was the way that the gravel crunched under his feet as he walked. The sound, bouncing off the walls of the alley - as if it was just him in the world. Usually, it satisfied him. But tonight, Jian Yi was on another conquest that prodded fun at his masculinity: walking down an alley to cut through towards a cluster of motel rooms. It was bleak, dark, and quiet. Not a person in sight. He could’ve sworn, he could hear a pin drop in this fogged air.

** **

With an audible swallow, he stopped in the middle of the parking lot, scouting out the area with his eyes: motels usually looked worn down, yes. But these were a little nicer than he had imagined. The outside of each door sported a dim golden hue from the lamps connected to the walls. How fascinating. 

** **

Jian Yi felt like he was slower than a mannequin as he moved his arm to reach behind him and dig his phone out from his back pocket. The illuminating light blinded him amongst others, a slight wince grimacing upon his features. Still, he unlocked it, scrolling over to the app, ‘Grindr.’

** **

_ Me (9:32 p.m): umm i’m a little scared lol _

_ promise ur not a serial killer? _

** **

_ GentlemanDaddy69 (9:33 p.m): Promise I’m not a serial killer. _

_ … _

_ GentlemanDaddy69 (9:33 p.m): (Photo - tap to download) _

** **

Jian Yi paused, thumb turning rigid as it hovered over the link. 

** **

\--------

** **

Now that I think about it, Jian Yi would’ve been better off going to She Li’s party. 

** **

\--------

** **

Finally, Jian Yi pressed on the text outlined in blue. A big black border popped up, along with a loading circle in the middle. He followed it with his ocean eyes, long blonde lashes barely meeting his lower ones in a faint blink. A ray of orange light graced his smooth skin, tickling his nose and bearing into the coral color of his lips. Two champagne glasses sit comfortably together on a clean, wooden table that reflected a glossy yellow lamp light. 

** **

Jian Yi shoved his phone back away with a newfound pride, pressing his chewed on lips together in a nervous excitement. He walked his bike over to door 105. The door on the first floor, that seemed to shine brighter than any other. 

** **

A knock of his own. Scuffling feet. Click of the door opening. 

** **

“Come in.”

** **

\-------- 

** **

“How old are you?” asked the man across from Jian Yi who was leaning against the dresser that offered a lavish, old mirror. Built just like he expected: a father, button up straining around his muscled arms, he held his bottle of champagne right above his thick abdomen, other hand shoved down his dress pants pocket. 

** **

And Jian Yi, sitting awkwardly on the cushiony motel bed. His fingers on his left hand kneaded right into the bedding, while the other clutched his own liquid bottle. He tried his best not to stutter, “I’m 22,” a lie. Looked up at the man across from him. White hair, gruff face, slitted eyes of pure asian blood. 

** **

“Do you live around here?”

** **

“Um, no, I’m visiting my father.” Jian Yi didn’t have a father. 

** **

“I see… do you..” he began, pushing himself off his makeshift seat, stalking slowly over to Jian Yi until he was situated in front of his jutted out knees. Jian Yi took a nervous sip from his alcohol. 

** **

“Do you usually walk around like this?” and this is where Jian Yi knew it was going to begin eventually: when callused fingers came up from out of his pocket and curled around his defined face, hooking right in front of where his jaw ends. It’s pressure persuaded Jian Yi to tilt his head up, though still having to look through his light lashes that feathered out like wheat. “What do you mean?” he whispered back curiously, ignoring how the mans hand shifted from under his chin to cup one side of his face - the new touch causing him to flutter his eyes. The hardened fingerprint of the older man's thumb traced over Jian Yi’s plump bottom lip, daring to ghost near his teeth. Jian Yi swallowed. 

“You dress like this, all the time?” a quick up-and-down look was gifted by the other man. Right. Well. Tonight, Jian Yi was going to a party - so, naturally, he had to dress to _ impress _ . His short sleeve black mesh top, a spaghetti stringed black tank top underneath that revealed his slightly toned cleavage, and cut off mom shorts with fishnet leggings and black doc martins- yeah, he looked fucking gay. But he fucking _ was _ so he didn’t mind. Jian Yi slowly set the champagne on the night stand without looking, telling the man, _ I’m ready _. “Yeah,” Jian Yi let a little laugh slide through. He wasn’t charmed enough to giggle or chuckle, just an airy little breath of laugh was good enough. 

** **

“Well, I must say,” Jian Yi could feel it coming, “you look absolutely stunning.” He mashed his lips together in a tight smile, but opened them up again when his thumb requested more. More. _ Now _. 

** **

The thumb finally pressed against his teeth, in which Jian Yi hissed inward through before letting his jaw fall a little. The thumb pushed in further, trying to slot in comfortable against his tongue. It tasted of salt, manly musk of cock, and cigarettes. 

** **

“Wider.”

** **

Jian Yi’s jaw fell completely open, shooting his eyes back up at the towering figure above him. Whispers were fuming from him, but Jian Yi didn’t care to listen. They stayed like this for a few moments, Jian Yi patiently enduring the inconvenience of being face fucked by a finger while the fucker set his own glass of alcohol down. Though, it didn’t last long, as that same hand clasped around half of his face, thumb still slotted in his mouth, in a gripping tight motion and pushed him down on the bed with brute force. Jian Yi bit back a sound of surprise - a twinge of pain - but couldn’t even grasp a breath after the thumb was pulled out of his mouth. Two bear hands clawed at his waist and flipped him over - and that’s when Jian Yi finally let out a yelp. He shoved his face into the bedding. Once again - not a second to breathe when that damned _ stinky _ hand came around and forced - no, not _ one _\- but four fingers in his mouth.

** **

“Fucking spit, whore,” the man growled in his ear. He did so, accumulating as much spit as he could, coating those thick fingers in layers and layers of saliva. Until the man above him was satisfied, was when he pulled them free.

** **

Shoved down his shorts.

** **

Ripped up his fishnets that tended at Jian Yi’s ass cheeks. 

** **

He felt himself being spread open, cold air rushing in places where it fluttered his stomach in excitement. Finally, this is when he could feel good. Despite the atmosphere, he liked it rough. Didn’t everyone? Vanilla was for pussies, anyways. “Wait, fucking prep me first,” Jian Yi pleaded into the sheets, coming out as a whine rather than a firm retort. 

** **

Rustling of a belt, metal clinking, zip undoing, more fabric shifting. “Don’t worry, babygirl, I’ve got a condom,” Jian Yi could hear the grin in his voice. _ Then what the fuck was the spit for? _

** **

Jian Yi wasn’t aware of what was going on - he didn’t like this position for that exact reason. Being so close to the bedding, with the side of his face mushed against it, he could hear the air in his nostrils go in and out. It frightened him. A sweat broke out. 

** **

“Ready?” asked the breathless voice above him. 

** **

“Y-yeah..”

** **

\--------

** **

(ZHAN ZHENG XI POV)

** **

“What the fuck, Zhengxi?”

** **

“What- what, He Tian, what?” I growled as I approached him, sitting in the backyard on the L shaped couch. The area was cozy and not as populated as the pool and other fireplace - there was _ one _fireplace right here, surrounded by the welcoming cushions that only He Tian sat at. I wasn’t the only one who knew of He Tian - who knew that he was a source for the good shit. I plopped down across from him, slouching so far down that my knees felt the heat of the fire ablaze. “You owe me money, man, c’mon,” He Tian shook his head. Before I was about to apologize, he continued, voice growing slower and drugged up by the minute, “Man.. this whole drug thing with you, got me kinda worried bro.”

** **

I scoffed, “Fuck, don’t go soft on me man. I’m fucking fine, aight?” His eyebrows rose, but not out of surprise, just out of trying to process his next thought. I watched him, a frown now prominent on my lips, arms crossed defensively over my hooded chest. “I know bro, I’m just..” he paused, a loud sigh pushing from his nostrils. He Tian’s eyes squeezed shut, his hand raising to his face where he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger, “I missed you, like, the beginning of the summer - your OD - fuckin’ scared the shit outta me, bro..” his voice trailed off, his tone somehow meeting the the crackle of the fire. My eyes focused in on the orange glow of his face, watching when he threw his hand away from it and back onto his lap. He Tian’s eyes met mine. I snorted, a grin appearing on my face in attempts to brighten the mood. He didn’t budge. “Yeah, you and everyone else.” His eye twitched, “I’m fucking serious, man.” 

** **

I swallowed hard, my smile fading as quick as it came. Lowered my eyes to the fire. I heard He Tian inhale, but I never once lifted my eyes towards him. On a night like this, where the weather was just right, the fire was just warm enough, and the couch was Goldy-Locks approved, words were preferred. “I’ve seen a lot of people die, none like you, Zhengxi. Dunno what the fuck’s going through that head of yours, and I dunno how the fuck I could help, but lemme just say:” I could hear him shift, probably forward, where he elbows rested on his knees and his face was closer to the fire, “drugs aren’t the answer.” 

** **

My adams apple bobbed up in an agonizingly slow motion. “Yeah,” I croaked, my voice coming out weak. His head bobbed, from my peripheral vision. “Y’know, I just,” I began to sit up, hands pressing on either side of me and eventually putting me in a position to mirror He Tian’s. “This, fuckin’, drugs, everything, this town..” my mind boggled, couldn’t get out the shit I wanted to say, “suffocating - it’s suffocating, man, you feel?” His grunt of approval rewarded me enough to continue. “When I was younger,” I let out a shaky breath, hands clasping together at the ends of my knees, “I was already so _ done _ with everything, I remember going through my dads medication and,” I cleared my throat, “just. Taking it for the first time. Everything went away. That feeling I’d been fending for. Just, not dealing with anything, worrying about anything, everything just disappeared. It was just me and the sound of my fan. My breath felt like ice, everything just felt so _ good _ , I was _ happy _..” I took my lip back in between my teeth. He Tian laughed, the bastard, “You trippin’, bruh, I’m too fuckin’ high for this conversation.” 

** **

“Pfft, fuck, me too,” I forgot my depressing words from just moments before, a genuine laugh escaping me to follow He Tian’s.

** **

When you’re high and you start laughing, you won’t stop laughing. So the both of us just sat there, giggling our fucking asses off like little children, My eyes wandered around, laugh by laugh pushing out of my chest, squeezing my ribcage. I took in the people at the pool - fuck, drama there, people watching two hook ups fuck in the pool in the backyard, the finally landing on the house, the open kitchen window. She Li, throwing things around, Outraged. Swinging his arm around at people, in gestures of _ GET OUT _. 

** **

“Holy shit bruh,” I cackled, raising a lazy finger over to the kitchen, “She Li’s being crazy!” He Tian swung around, an ugly laugh also escaping him, “Fuck, it’s that new dude! Anime lookin’ fucker!” I paused at that, my breath escaping quickly, “Huh?” I peered closer. If moments ago She Li had been enraged, he was now breathing heavily against one of the cabinets while one familiar figure backed away - opposite of the exit. I swallowed hard, the ‘new kid’ was now cornered. 

** **

\--------

** **

_ I never had a problem with She Li. That was, until he fucked around with Jian Yi. _

** **

\--------

** **

(JIAN YI’S THIRD PERSON LIMITED)

** **

After the hook up, Jian Yi walked into the party limping, visible wince every step he took. First, the kitchen, he needed some strong fucking alcohol. Pushing past the crowd of sweaty bodies, he eventually made it there. 

** **

Jackpot.

** **

Bottles on bottles were clustered together around the sink and counters, as well as untouched solo cups stacked neatly on top of each other. He raced forward, animatedly grabbing them as if his life depended on it, filling his solo cup with vodka to the first line. Now relaxed with his comfort drink, he shifted his weight from one leg to the other, just about to sip-

** **

“Real classy, you fucking whore!” a voice shouted, though not belonging to anyone he was familiar with. “Suck my dick!” another followed, this time a different voice. Jian Yi approached the other side of the kitchen furthest from the kitchen exist, sipping his vodka like it wasn’t any of his fucking business. He assumed those voices parted, and one came in here. 

** **

“Get the fuck outta here! Get the fuck outta the kitchen! Fuck!” the voice was louder this time. Jian Yi turned his head towards the noise - a tall, muscular man with tendrils of soft white locks falling over his eyes - entered the kitchen with a red face, gritted teeth, and a nasty snarl. Everyone in the kitchen paused, looking hesitantly around. The man approached the island smack in the middle of the counter and growled, smacking the cups and glasses away - shit smashed and flooded on the floor. That’s when everyone scurried out of the kitchen. Everyone, yes, except Jian Yi. The man was blocking the entrance. He quietly sipped his drink.

** **

And when he thought the tantrum was finally over, when he thought that the man grasping the edges of the counter symbolized him calming down - they made eye contact. For a split second, a cold sweat broke out on Jian Yi’s forehead. He swallowed hard, color visibly draining from his face. 

** **

He stood straight, “Fuck you looking at?”

** **

Jian Yi didn’t answer.

** **

“Who are you?”

** **

“I’m Jian Yi, um, friend of..” his eyes darted away, frantically searching for a name, clue, anything to pop in his head.

** **

“Friend of…” He moved closer, eyebrows pulling together, getting ready to plaster that disgraceful look on his face. The people who had previously left the kitchen were now gathered at the entrance of it. “Of who, bitch? Sure as hell not my fuckin’ friend, who the fuck are you? And your friends?”

** **

Goddamn, this asshole was annoying. 

** **

He swung around, presenting himself to the crowd, “Anyone know who the fuck _ Jian Yi _ is? Does anyone know who this is?” He stepped out of the way from in front of Jian Yi, a long arm gesturing to the timidly looking boy in the corner. Silence. _ Please, just someone! _

** **

“Anyone?” More silence.

** **

He turned back to me. “The fuck you want, who are you?”

** **

Jian Yi swallowed, fingers tightening around the red solo cup, “I don’t mean anything bad, I’m just minding my own business, dude.” His voice audibly shook. Fuck. So embarrassing. He wasn’t convinced, his eyes squinted at Jian Yi before his head snapped towards the crowd again, “If anyone doesn’t tell me who the fuck this bitch is, he’s gonna get fucked up!” 

** **

Jian Yi’s eyes widened. Scattered. His heart was beating wildely. He looked at the crowd. He looked back at the furious guy. He looked at his surroundings, the counters - he’s being threatened- 

** **

The knife, grab the fucking knife, whore. He swallowed, setting down his red solo cup and grasping onto one of the knife handles being cradled in the knife holder. 

** **

Just as the male turned back, Jian Yi had the shit pointed at him. It gleamed in the light that creeped over the guys shoulder. It was a quick few seconds when the dude caught sight of it, and he visibly revolted in shock - jumped back, screeching, “_ Fuck _!” Jian Yi hustled forward, raising his elbow with a blazing look in his eyes, trying his best to pull back his lips in the same snarl that this asshole presented him with, “You wanna fucking hurt me?!”

** **

“No, _ no _, I was kidding!”

** **

Jian Yi shook his head furiously, raising it again, making the dude shrink, hiding his hair, yellow eyes, fucking _ stupid _ face behind his hands, “No, back the fuck up, what’s your problem?!” Jian Yi shrieked, grip tightening. God, it felt good. “Put the knife down-” his voice seemed calmer, but Jian Yi could care less. He was fucked today already, he didn’t want to get screwed _ over _ once more, “-it was a joke!” 

** **

Jian Yi did, in fact, pull it away, but tilted it towards himself, “You have no fucking idea.” Seemed reasonable in the moment. Keyword: in the moment. That moment when Jian Yi sliced his own skin on the underskin of his forearm. It _ seemed _reasonable. Everyone - including the psycho across from him - let out noises of shock. The guy’s jaw dropped. 

** **

“You’re a fucking psycho…”

** **

Jian Yi stayed quiet while the guy quickly pushed himself up, turning quick on his heel, and forcing himself through the crowd and out of the kitchen. 

** **

Jian Yi let his breaths turn ragged and uncontrollable, the porcelain male turning away and tossing the knife on the cabinet, grabbing his solo cup. And when he turned around - the gossiping whispers of the crowd - as well as their peeping eyes - still lingered. 

** **

“By the way,” Jian Yi began to announce, both arms raised in the air to present himself, “I’m Jian Yi.”

** **

\---------

** **

Jian Yi hustled out of the house - okay, the night was _ over with _, he decided. At least he was able to get drunk. He made his way towards his bike, hissing at the sting and drip of blood as he outstretched his arm to pick it off the ground. Another pair of footsteps sounded behind him. 

** **

He cleared his throat and pulled himself and the bike upright. 

** **

“Hey.. uh.. You okay?” thank fuck it was someone different. Though, it would’ve been helpful if they’d been there to avoid that whole scene beforehand. Jian Yi answered while he turned his body, “Yean, it’s no big deal, man.” Then he looked up. Blinked. Blinked some more.

** **

The boy standing before him was… gorgeous, to say the least. Jian Yi’s shoulders released just the slightest tension, but a more relieved expression countered the action. His hair was a dirty blonde, cut cleanly, neatly groomed where his bangs hung down to the bridge of his nose. His icicles for eyes glowered in the lights of the party, boring right into Jian Yi’s soul. Though, he looked tired. “She Li can be pretty violent. Y’know, gotta maintain that quarterback facade. It’s annoying, I get it,” the boy hummed, face straight. So, _ She Li _was the assholes name. “Yeah, I get it,” Jian Yi, voice twinging with pride at this new person, curled his lips up in a smile, “I gotta do what I gotta do. Couldn’t let that bitch hurt me, you know?” The other nodded.

** **

Some comfortable silence ensued. 

** **

The boy stuck out his hand, “I’m Zhan Zheng Xi.”

** **

He took it, “Jian Yi,” his smile widened. “Yup, I think everyone knows now,” his new friend remarked playfully. Zhan Zheng Xi slowly made his way to the piles of bikes - Jian Yi watched him pick up his own - then pulled up beside him. “Where you going?” He asked, eyes trained on Jian Yi’s. A light shrug came from the doll like male, eyes stuttering down at his bleeding arms. “Home, probably,” he sucked his lips in, then pursed them out. He really, genuinely, wanted to have fun. But, not in this state. \

** **

“Can I come?”

** **

\--------

** **

This is the first friend Jian Yi had over since he moved here two months ago. It was exhilarating. _ Finally _ . They shoved their bikes to the front porch, quietly opened the door in the 1 am crickets, and hurriedly ran up the stairs. Their hushed voices contained cackles - Jian Yi’s mother was still asleep. He couldn’t wake her up - she was _ cranky _. 

** **

Jian Yi let Zhan Zheng Xi into his room first, then closed it behind him. “You got some bandages and gauge?” He asked, dropping his bad on the floor and kicking off his shoes. Jian Yi followed. “Mm, yeah,” once his shoes were fully off, Jian Yi hopped over their pile of discarded objects and towards his closet. The lights weren’t on, so the purple of the night barely granted him much shit to see. Squinting, he felt around in the dead night in his closet, before knocking his fingernails against a solid box, “Ahah!’

** **

\--------

** **

“Ow, fuck,” Jian Yi cursed under his breath as Zhan Zheng Xi carefully pressed hydrogen peroxide on his open wound. “Sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispered, so delicate. His fingers that held his arm still was gently. _ Such manly hands, _ Jian Yi noted. He guessed he’d use them as a distraction. The moon was high enough to leak through his blinds, onto the bed they sat on and blanketing them in a sheet of fluorescent, purple-blue. His hands spread like wildfire over his skinny forearm, they had veins that warmed Jian Yi’s face up, and disappeared under the gigantic sleeve of his hood. Jian Yi swallowed. 

** **

Padding was now being pressed against his arm, gauze wrapping around it. Once it was finished, the touch of Zhan Zheng Xi’s lingered, trailing his fingers down Jian Yi’s wrists, over his palm, before his own hands dropped in his lap. “All done,” he commented, flopping back on Jian Yi’s bed. Obvious relaxation was shown in the fluttering shut pf his eyes and the slight curve of his lips. The moon, gathering like a halo around the boy he had just met, gripped Jian Yi’s heart.

** **

Jian Yi followed, trying to ignore the way the color stuck to the boys outrageously long eyelashes, the way his hair smoothed back and exposed his - unusually nice forehead and thick, defined eyebrows. Tried to ignore the way his plump lips opened up ajar to sigh, like he’s never felt this comfortable in the longest time. Tried to ignore the way his sideburns frames his face - even from the side. He was - he was hot, okay?

** **

Jian Yi never realized his head was turned towards the male until Zhan Zheng Xi reciprocated the motion. This time, they lay smiling together, but he was looking more mischievous than Jian Yi, “I’ve got any idea.” For what seems like the hundredth time today, Jian Yi pressed his lips together till it felt like they’d turn white, “What?” 

** **

“Wanna get high?”


End file.
